"A list songs and quotes from FOX's "Married With Children"
Send additions and corrections to Bob Pack ( rpack@uunet.uu.net )
Special thanks to Dean Adams for his program guide that filled in the
holes in the songs. Read either rec.arts.tv or alt.tv.mwc for his
program guide ( an awesome resource for all mwc addicts ).
I've now classified the shows according to episode number to
make it easier to keep track of the updates
Thanks to the following people for additions / corrections / etc:
Name Address
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dean Adams dnadams@nyx.cs.du.edu
Alex schoene@mathematik.uni-ulm.de
Peter Apasewicz APPLEPIE@gnn.com
Ronny H. Arild ronnya@stud.cs.uit.no
Andrew Astley astleya@cs.aston.ac.uk
William Bader wbader@scarecrow.csee.lehigh.edu
Donald L. C. Blewett hatcher@ramsey.cs.laurentian.ca
Russ Boucher 1910694ps380@sscl.uwo.ca
Robert M. Carusso rmc@chamonix.ma30.bull.com
Dave Drab daved@rocky.ndhm.gtegsc.com
Darren Embry dsembr01@starbase.spd.louisville.edu
Jill Leslie Goodall jg5k+@andrew.cmu.edu
Dolf Grunbauer dolf@echo.tds.phillips.edu
Deepak Gursahaney puck@zk3.dec.com
Otto Heuer ottoh3@cfsmo.honeywell.com
Kim H|glund shotokan@diku.dk
Petur Himlarson petur@cs.chalmers.se
Niels Ole Jensen U920533@daimi.aau.dk
Peter Jurgensen pju@vision.auc.dk
Michael Kopko KOPKO@B.PSC.EDU
Mike Latokartano mol@jyu.fi
Jacob Lauritzen jpl191@kom.auc.dk
Haynes Lee lee@hp.rmc.ca
Keith Lim chil@sfu.ca
LUke EENG6868@RYEVM.RYERSON.CA
David Matten dm84+@andrew.cmu.edu
Albert Peter Michael am3z+@andrew.cmu.edu
Dave Minsek minsek@chen1.harvard.edu
Arnoud W. Morsink amorsin@cs.vu.nl
Thomas Oeigarden thoman@solan.unit.nor
Bob Pack ktgst+@pitt.edu
R. Pavlacic u9104506@muss.cis.mcmaster.ca
John Penokie jrpenoki@major.cs.mtu.edu
Na Choon Piaw piaw@pure.com
Clinton Pierce dn648@slc10.INS.CWRU
Prashanth pk@earth.sarnoff.com
John Rinck rinck@ucsee.berkeley.edu
Erik Rob|le erikr@stud.unit.no
Jesse Sanchez t_jsanch@qualcomm.com
Kai Siemonsen spiff@isys-hh.hanse.de
Bernd Spellenberg mppi04@cd4680fs.rrze.uni-erlangen.de
Jonathan P Tan lrcnitebird@msn.com
Udo Thiel r13ev@ix.urz.uni-heidelberg.de
Mahesh V Tripunitara tripunit@algol.cs.psu.edu
Todd ( White Knight ) TAM131@PSUVM.PSU.EDU
Arun Vaidyanath sununu@ece.arizona.edu
Jeroen Vendrig vendrig@fwi.uva.nl
Christopher Watkins Chris.Watkins@ast.com
Larry Waxler LARRYW@MAINE.maine.edu
Dan Welch dwelch@devnullmpd.tandem.com
Christian Wenz 100543.2020@compuserve.com
Mark Weston csi056@cch.coventry.ac.uk
Michael Wuensche wish@rbg.informatik.th-darmstadt.de
??? astleya@cs.aston.ac.uk
bob
000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
Bud's Grandmaster B nicknames from the show
-------------------------------------------
Abdominizer B (Kelly)
Bassmaster B (Al)
Bed Wetter B (Kelly)
Bellringer B (?)
Buckminster B (Al)
Burgermeister B (Peg)
Bushwacker B (Kelly)
Butt Wagger B (Kelly)
Court Jester B (Peg)
Crossdressr B (Kelly)
Dustbuster B (Bud's date)
Gas Passer B (Al)
Ghostbuster B (Kelly)
Grand Bastard B (Kelly)
Grand Flasher B (?)
Grand Marshal B (Peg)
Grandfather B (Al)
Grandma B (Kelly)
Grandmaster Virgin (Kelly)
Grand Pappy B (Kelly)
Grasshopper B (Al)
Grave Digger B (?)
Grinchmaster B (TV host)
Mixmaster B (Bud's Date)
Thumb Sucker B (Kelly)
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
Iron Head Haynes' Sacred Nine Commandments
------------------------------------------
1.It's okay to call hooters "knockers" and sometimes "snack trays."
2.It is wrong to be French.
3.It's okay to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder.
4.Lawyers: see rule three.
5.It is okay to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes.
6.Everyone should car pool but me.
7.Bring back the word "stewardesses"
8.Synchronized Swimming is not a sport.
9.Mudwrstling is a sport.
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
Songs
-----
Psycho Dad
Marrying Man's Right Song
D-A-D-D-Y
Psycho Mom
Al's Christmas Song
Al's Tax Dance
Al's Gardening Song
At the Nudie Bar
Bundy the No-Man
Day-0
The Cow Kicked Nellie
"Psycho Dad"
------------
Who's that riding in the sun?
Who's the man with the itchy gun?
Who's the man who kills for fun?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Dad.
He sleeps with a gun
but he loves his son
Killed his wife 'cos she weighed a ton.
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Dad.
A little touched or so we're told
Killed his wife 'cos she had a cold
Might as well she was getting old
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Dad.
He's quick with a gun
And his job ain't done.
He's Psycho Dad
Who's that riding in the sleigh?
Who's that firing along the way?
Who's roughing up bums on Christmas day?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad
Who's that riding across the plain?
Who's proud 'cos his wife is slain?
Who's the man who's plumb insane?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad
Marrying Man's Fight Song
-------------------------
My wife will never cook or clean
Still my money's spent
Who knew when I first chose my mate
That she would put on that much weight
She said she knew for sure
'That it could only work with her'
Please K-I-L-L, K-I-L-L, me, me, me
D-A-D-D-Y
---------
D is for the many pies I baked you
A is for the apple in my eye
D is for the dish you ate the pie in
D is for de apple in my eye
Y because I love you
Put them all together, they spelly "daddy"
"Old-Aid"
---------
We are the old, we've got arthritis
Our gums are weak ( so weak ) from gingivitis
We are the old, we've got arthritis
We are the ones who wear bifocals and have bursitis
There are people younger but we heed another call
We really need the money, our accountants took it all
We sing to you, those who have money
Once we was cool, but now we just dress funny
We need your help, so please please dig deep
Don't call after 10 'cos we'll be asleep
We have medicare and anti-gas pills
But without your help, we can't pay our alimony bills
We are the old [ they are the old ]
We have arthritis [ they have arthritis ]
Once we were gods, no golf excites us [ golf excites 'em ]
So write a check ( a really big one ) for our december
There's another verse, but we can't remember
Psycho Mom
----------
Who's that gal that needs no man
Killed him dead with a frying pan
Did it 'cos he missed the can
She's Psycho Mom
"Al's Christmas Song"
---------------------
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
no food was stirring
not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung
'round dad's neck like a tie
Along with a note that said
'Presents or die.'
The children were plotting
all night in their beds.
While the wife's constant whining
was splitting his head.
But, daddy had money this year in the bank.
Then they closed up early,
now dad's in the tank.
All of a sudden Santa appeared,
with a snear on his face,
booze on his beard.
"Santa," I said as he laughed merrily,
"You do so much for others,
do something for me"
"Bundy, he said, you only sell shoes,
your son is a sneak thief,
your daughter a flooze.
Ho, Ho," Santa said,
"Should I mention your wife?
her hair is like an A-bomb,
her nails like a knife."
He climbs up the chimney,
fat piece of dung.
He mooned me two times.
He stuck out his thumb.
He exclaimed, as he broke wind with glee,
"You're married with children, you'll never be free."
"Al's Tax Dance"
----------------
Oh, we're all broke, cha, cha, cha
Everybody broke, cha, cha, cha
Living in the gutter, cha, cha, cha
Early grave, cha, cha, cha
Everybody shoot me!
"Al's Gardening Song"
---------------------
Old MacBundy had a farm
B-U-N-D-Y
And on this farm there was no wife
B-U-N-D-Y
And no wife here and no kids there
With a hooker coming over on Friday night
With big luscious of hooters and a pizza and a beer there
Old MacBundy had a farm
B-U-N-D-Y
"At the Nudie bar"
------------------
at the nudie bar
where you can look at a thigh
and blacken an eye
at the nudie bar
at the nudie bar
where they show you their butt
and their trap stays shut
at the nudie bar
at the nudie bar
where you can't touch a breast
but you can cave in a chest,
at the nudie bar
at the nudie bar
where the girlies dance
in their underpants
at the nudie bar
at the nudie bar
Where the music stinks,
and they water the drinks.
The nudie bar
at the nudie bar
Where the beer gives you gas
But the Bundy's KICK ASS.
the nudie bar
at the nudie bar
Where Christmas is nice
And lap dances are half price
at the nudie bar
at the nudie bar
Where you drink down the shooters
and unwrap the hooters
at the nudie bar
at the nudie bar
Where egg nog's a plenty
and the girls are all 20
at the Nudie bar
Al's " I Care " song
--------------------
When hooters giggle around
and I find nickels on the ground
I care
When the Mustang engine purrs
and the bathroom's not hers
I care
When the pitcher's on the mound
and the wife is underground
I care.
But when I've been playing this for days
I'll kill anyone who stays
I swear!
Bundy-the-no-Man < == aka Frosty the Snowman
----------------
Bundy the no man
He's as bald as he could be
With hair in his nose
And rot on his toes
He's as bald as he could be
Bundy the no man
He's as bald as he could be
He's into old age,
making minimum wage,
he's as bald as he can be
Day-o
-----
Day-o daaay-o
morning comes and I'm working no-more
morning comes and I'm working no-more
I see deadly red tarantula
but I sit here with my hands in my pantula
Day-o daaay-o
morning comes and I"m working no-more
The Cow Kicked Nellie
---------------------
Oh! The cow kicked Nellie in the belly in the barn
The cow kicked Nellie in the belly in the barn
The cow kicked Nellie in the belly in the barn -
And the farmer said it would do no harm!
Second verse,
Same as the first;
A little bit louder;
And a little bit worse!
(repeat 1st stanza)
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
Episode 101: Pilot
Episode 102: Thinnergy
Episode 103: Sixteen Years And What Do You Get
Episode 104: But I Didn't Shoot The Deputy
Episode 105: Have You Driven A Ford Lately
Episode 106: Whose Room Is It Anyway
Episode 107: Al Loses His Cherry
Episode 108: Peggy Sue Got Work
Episode 109: Married... Without Children
Episode 110: The Poker Game
Episode 111: Where's The Boss
Episode 112: Nightmare On Al's Street
Episode 113: Johnny Be Gone
Episode 201: Buck Can Do It
Episode 202: Poppy's By The Tree (part-1)
Episode 203: Poppy's By The Tree (part-2)
Episode 204: If I Were A Rich Man
Episode 205: For Whom The Bell Tolls
Episode 206: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (part-1)
Episode 207: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (part-1)
Episode 208: Born To Walk
Episode 209: Alley Of The Dolls
Episode 210: The Razor's Edge
Episode 211: How Do You Spell Revenge?
Episode 212: Earth Angel
Episode 213: You Better Watch Out
Episode 214: Guys And Dolls
Episode 215: Build A Better Mousetrap
Episode 216: Master The Possibilities
Episode 218: The Great Escape
Episode 219: Im-po-dent
Episode 220: Just Married... With Children
Episode 221: Father Lode
Episode 222: All In The Family
Episode 301: A Period Piece
Episode 302: He Thought He Could
Episode 303: I'm Going To Sweatland
Episode 304: Poke High
Episode 305: A Dump Of My Own
Episode 306: Her Cups Runneth Over
Episode 307: The Bald And The Beautiful
Episode 308: Requiem For A Dead Barber
Episode 309: The Gypsy Cried
Episode 310: I'll See You in Court
Episode 311: Eatin' Out
Episode 312: My Mom, The Mom
Episode 313: Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me
Episode 314: A Three Job, No Income Family
Episode 315: The Harder They Fall
Episode 316: The House That Peg Lost
Episode 317: Married...With Queen, Pt 1
Episode 318: Married...With Queen, Pt 2
Episode 319 : The Computer Show
Episode 320: The Dateless Amigo
Episode 321: Life's A Beach
Episode 322: Here's Lookin' At You, Kid
Episode 401: Hot Off The Grill
Episode 402: Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics
Episode 403: Buck Saves The Day
Episode 404: Tooth And Consequences
Episode 405: He Ain't Much, But He's Mine
Episode 406: Fair Exchange
Episode 407: Desperately Seeking Miss October
Episode 408: 976-Shoe
Episode 409: Oh What A Feeling
Episode 410: At The Zoo
Episode 411: Who'll Stop The Rain?
Episode 412 & 413: It's A Bundyful Life
Episode 414: Rock And Roll Girl
Episode 415: A taxing Problem
Episode 416: You Gotta Know When To Fold'em, Pt 1
Episode 417: You Gotta Know When To Fold'em, Pt 2
Episode 418: What Goes Around Comes Around
Episode 419: Raingirl
Episode 420: Peggy Turns 300
Episode 421: Peggy Made A Little Lamb
Episode 422: The Agony Of Defeet
Episode 423: Yard Sale
Episode 501: Al... With Kelly
Episode 502: We'll Follow The Sun
Episode 503: Sue Casa, His Casa
Episode 504: The Unnatural
Episode 505: Dance Show
Episode 506: Kelly Bounces Back
Episode 507: Married With Aliens
Episode 508: Wabbit Season
Episode 509: Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Episode 510: One Down, Two To Go
Episode 511: And Baby Makes Money
Episode 512: Married...With Who
Episode 513: Look Who's Barking
Episode 514: The Godfather
Episode 515: A Man's Castle
Episode 516: All Night Security Dude
Episode 517: Weenie Tots Lovers And Other Strangers
Episode 518: Oldies But Young'uns
Episode 519: You Better Shop Around (part-1)
Episode 520: You Better Shop Around (part-2)
Episode 521: Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do?
Episode 521.5: Top of the Heap Pilot
Episode 522: Route 666 (part-1)
Episode 523: Route 666 (part-2)
Episode 524: Buck the Stud
Episode 601: She's Having My Baby (part-1)
Episode 602: She's Having My Baby (part-2)
Episode 603: If Al Had A Hammer
Episode 604: Cheese, Cues, And Blood
Episode 605: Looking For A Desk In All The Wrong Places
Episode 606: Buck Has A Belly Ache
Episode 607: If I Could See Me Now
Episode 608: God's Shoes
Episode 609: Kelly Does Hollywood (part-1)
Episode 610: Kelly Does Hollywood (part-2)
Episode 611: Al Bundy, Shoe Dick
Episode 612: So This Is How Sinatra Felt
Episode 613: I Who Have Been Nothing
Episode 614: The Mystery Of Skull Island
Episode 615: Just Shoe It
Episode 616: Rites Of Passage
Episode 617: The Egg and I
Episode 618: Psychic Avengers
Episode 619: Dinner With Anthrax
Episode 620: Hi I.Q.
Episode 621: Teacher Pets
Episode 622: The Good-bye Girl
Episode 623: The Gas Station Show
Episode 624: England Show (part-1)
Episode 625: England Show (part-2)
Episode 626: England Show (part-3)
Episode 701:Magnificent Seven
Episode 702: T-r-a...Something, Spells Tramp
Episode 703: Every Bundy Has a Birthday
Episode 704: Al On The Rocks
Episode 705: What I Did For Love
Episode 706: Frat Chance
Episode 707: The Chicaco Wine Party
Episode 708: Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore
Episode 709: Rock Of Ages
Episode 710: Death Of A Shoe Salesman
Episode 711: The Old College Try
Episode 712: Christmas
Episode 713: Wedding Show
Episode 714: It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This
Episode 715: Heels On Wheels
Episode 716: Mr. Empty Pants
Episode 717: You Can't Miss
Episode 718: Peggy And The Pirates
Episode 719: Go For The Old
Episode 720: Unalful Entry
Episode 721: Movie Show
Episode 722: Till Death Do Us Part
Episode 723: Tis Time To Smell The Roses
Episode 724: The Old Insurance Dodge
Episode 725: The Wedding Repercussions
Episode 726: The Proposition
Episode 801: A Tisket, A Tasket, Can Peggy Make A Basket
Episode 802: Hood In The Boyz
Episode 803: Proud To Be Your Bud
Episode 804: Luck Of The Bundys
Episode 805: Banking On Marcie
Episode 806: No Chicken, No Check
Episode 807: Take My Wife, Please
Episode 808: Scared Single
Episode 809: No Ma'am
Episode 810: Dancing With Weezie
Episode 812: Just A Little Off The Top
Episode 813: The Worst Noel
Episode 814: Honey, I Blew Up Myself
Episode 815: Sofa So Good
Episode 816: How Green Was My Apple
Episode 817: Get Outta Dodge
Episode 818: Valentine's Day Massacre
Episode 819: Field Of Screams
Episode 820: The D'Arcy Files
Episode 821 : The Legend of Ironhead Haynes
Episode 823: Kelly Knows Something
Episode 824 : Assult & Batteries
Episode 825 : Ride Scare
Episode 826 : Al Goes Deep
Episode 901: Shoeway to Heaven
Episode 903: Kelly Breaks Out
Episode 904(?): The Virgin Hotline
Episode 905: Business Sucks, Pt 1
Episode 906: Business Still Sucks (part 2)
Episode 907: Dial B for Virgin
Episode 908: Sleepless in Chicago
Episode 910: Bud Bowl
Episode 912: The Naked and the Dead, But Mostly the Naked
Episode 913: I Want My Psycho Dad, Pt 1
Episode 914: I Want My Psycho Dad, Second Blood
Episode 916: Something Larry This Way Comes
Episode 917: Get the Dodge out of Hell
Episode 918: 25 Years and What Have You Got
Episode 919: Ship Happens (part 1)
Episode 920: Ship Happens, Pt 2
Episode 921: And Bingo Was Her Name O
Episode 922: The Undergraduate
Episode 923: User Friendly
Episode 924: Shoeless Al
Episode 925 Pump Ficition
Episode 926: Radio Free Trumaine
Episode 1001 A Shoe Room With A View
Episode 1002 Guess Who's Coming To Breakfast, Lunch And Dinner
Episode 1004 Reverend Al
Episode 1005 How Bleen Was My Kelly
Episode 1006 The Weaker Sex
Episode 1007 Flight Of The Bumblebee
Episode 1008 Blonde And Blonder
Episode 1009 Dud Bowl Ii
Episode 1011 The Two That Got Away
Episode 1000.5 Wrestlepalooza
Episode 1013 Love Conquers Al
Episode 1014 The Hood, The Bud And The Kelly (part 1)
Episode 1015 The Hood, The Bud And The Kelly (part 2)
Episode 1016 Calendar Girl
Episode 1019 The Agony And The Extra C
Episode 1020 Turning Japanese
Episode 1021 Bud Hits The Books
Episode 1022 Al Goes To The Dogs
Episode 1023 Kiss Of The Coffee Woman
Episode 1025 Torch Song Duet
Episode 1026 The Joke's On Al
Unclassified
------------
Peg: " I cannot steal from my children...they lock their rooms."
Al: < about sex> "Why would I care what you're wearing? I'm only
watching the clock."
Peg: " Al, we're talking about sex. So leave it to those who do it!"
Al: " That's no lady. That's my wife!"
Episode 101: Pilot
------------------
< Al has a bandage on his hand>
Al: " Sweetie, is this your little cactus?"
Peg: " Ahaa..."
Al: " Any particular reason you put it where my alarm clock used to
be?"
Marcie: " Isn't that alot of coffee you're putting in there?"
Peg: " Yes. That's for them. Our's will be good. You see, if they
they enjoy eating and drinking at home too much, they'll
never take you anywhere. With men, if you ask them for
something you are never gonna get it, but if you do some
damage to their internal organs, you've got a shot. And
if that doesn't work, what have you lost?"
Peg: " Oh, by the way, Bud has show-n-tell at school today. The
subject is 'What does daddy do?', so when you come home
tonight, if there's a can of beer missing and you can't find
the remote control, that's where they are."
Peg: " Al, do you have to leave the refridgerator door open? I'm
getting a draft."
Al: " I'm sorry. Maybe I should look for some food in the dish
washer?"
< About Marcy & Steve coming over>
Al: " I'm gonna hate these people."
Peg: " You will not hate them, they are very nice."
Al: " If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game."
Al: " Anything else I can do for you?"
Peg: " You could shave your back."
Al: " The hair's there for a reason. It keeps you off of me
at night."
Lady: " You are very fresh!"
Al: " No, Ma'am, that's impossible. Because, for the last hour I've
been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe when I really
should have been easing it into the box."
< Al wants to go to the basketball game>
Al: " I'm going to the game."
Peg: " Alright, Al, fine! But before you go I would just like to say
three things: the bank book is in both of our names, the credit
cards are in both of our names, and the stores are still open!"
Al: " Are the kids gone?"
Peg: " Yeah, but they'll be back."
Al: " Oh, sure, on the surface selling women's shoes is fun. But once
you cut through all the hype, the myths, the glamour, it's
really very much like any minimum vage paying slow death."
Al: " I'm sorry, honey, I didn't hear you. I was just thinking of
killing myself."
Al: " Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's
like any other minimum wage slow death."
Peg: " We've been married 15 years."
Marcie: " What's your secret?"
Peg: " Oh, no secret really. Just to be considerate. Accept each
other for what you are. Don't point out the fact that the
hair he's losing on his head is now growing out of his
nose... and his ears."
Al: " And accepting the fact that nowadays it's harder to figure
out where her chest ends and her stomach begins."
Al: " You know another thing that makes women such a blessing for us?
It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they come over and
they say to you: 'What are you thinking?' And you start
thinking: 'You know, if I wanted you to know, I'd be talking.'
Al: " It's like when they < women > ask you what you're thinking
and you want to tell them 'If I wanted you to know, I'd
be talking.'"
Marcy: " My mother's coming over next week."
Steve: " Oh year? She's gonna teach you how to bury me like she
buried her three husbands?"
Marcy: " Steve, are you implying that their suicides had something to
do with mother?"
Episode 102: Thinnergy
---------------------
Peg: " You know, if a maniac broke into this house right now and shot
me dead, Al wouldn't even know."
Al: " I'd know!"
Al: " Damn it, Steve, we're men. It's our God given right to watch
sports and smut. Since when did we have to apologize for
that?"
Steve: " I think since the 70's."
< Al won't have sex with Peg>
Marcy: " Peggy, what would you say if I told you I had the answer to
all of your problems?"
Peg: " I don't know... I bought one of those and it's just not the
same."
Kelly: " I can't believe it. This is all happening just because mom
wants affection?"
Bud: " Then why doesn't she just go to the mall like you?"
Luke: " Al, let me ask you a question: If you came home at night and
found your wife in bed with another guy, would you get mad?"
Al: " I'd kill him."
Luke: " Oh, so I guess this guy didn't overreact."
< Al wants to avoid a diet>
Al: " So all I've gotta do is starve and be miserable for a week, then
my life will go back to the normal hell it always was?"
< Al's watching smut on TV>
Al: " Just because I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't
love you. Let's face it, even if you were beautiful like the
girl on TV, I'd still ignore you."
Episode 103: Sixteen Years And What Do You Get
----------------------------------------------
Peg: " Let's see, now, which one is the 16th? I know the 10th is tin,
the 15th is crystal. What's the next one?"
Al: " Brimstone."
< Al won't install a radio in Pegs car>
Peg: " What am I supposted to listen to?"
Al: " Your own beautiful voice. If God didn't want other peaople to
hear it he wouldn't have made it so shrill."
Al: " Peg, when you do the laundry you use all the hot water."
Peg: " If God had wanted you to have hot water he wouldn't have given
me laundry."
Peg: " Gee, what is he really wanting?"
Bud: " That blonde down the street."
Peg: " Did he tell you that?"
Bud: " No, I just assumed it by the way he bites his fist whenever he
drives by her house."
Steve: " So, I guess you guys have a big evening planned, huh?"
Peg: " Oh, pretty much. I'll fix dinner. We'll exchange presents.
Then he'll watch midget wrestling."
Steve: " Oh, what time does it come on?"
Marcy: " Steve, we hate wrestling!"
Steve: " I know. I just wanted to know how late midgets got to stay
up."
< Al gets in front of another customer at the jeweller>
Guy: " Wait a second! I was here first!"
Al: " Yeah, yeah, so were the indians."
Al: " There is no more important thing than your anniversary. See,
an anniversary is something special. It's not like other
holidays when other peolpe are celebrating too. It's just
between the two of you. See, it's the day when you can show
how you feel the rest of the year but you don't 'cos you're a
man."
Guy: " That's beautiful."
Al: " To know me is to love me."
Chef: " Would you like to be a chef?"
Bud: " No, I rather be a man."
Marcy: " Peggy, what a beautiful dress."
Peg: " Oh, thanks. I bought it this afternoon. I didn't really
like it but I diden't feel like changing back to what I had
on."
< Peg unwraps Buds anniversary gift for her>
Peg: " Oh, a diary!"
Bud: " Yeah, it's Kellys. I heard you said you'd give anything to
take a look at it."
Marcy: " Here, we've got you two one of our favorite books."
Al: < he reads title> " 'My Partner, My Wife, My Life'... My God!"
Peg: " Would you like me to make you some soup for your lunch
tomorrow?"
Al" " No, it's OK. Last time I cut my hand on the can."
Episode 104: But I Didn't Shoot The Deputy
-------------------------------------------
Al: " Feet and the return of warm weather sure makes for a deadly
combination."
Marcy: " Someone's been in my home and my bedroom. I feel so
helpless."
Al: " We'd all feel helpless in your bedroom, Marcy."
Al: " Why are you meeting in my house?"
Guy: " 'Cause our wives didn't want you in our houses."
Peg: " Bud, guns are not toys. They are lethal weapons and should
only be handled by responsible adults."
Bud: " Oooh, and dad was practicing his quick draws at the TV during
Donahue?"
Kelly: " Guns, guns, guns. Can anyone talk about me for a change?"
Al: " OK, Kelly. Where were you last night?"
Kelly: " So, dad, what kind of gun did you buy?"
Marcy: " Look, we know Bela < the dog> can be loud and annoying and
the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a
good protector."
Bud: " Gee, mom, that's just what you say about dad."
< Al has shot the Rhodes' dog>
Peg: " You were very brave, Al."
Al: " It wasn't anything that anybody else with the heart of a lion
wouldn't have done. And you should have seen me, Peg... Yeah,
I was a little nervous, but I got him right between the eyes.
And I tell you, there's not a lot of space between those eyes."
Marcy: " Steve, is he really dead?"
Steve: " Yes, dear."
Marcy: " How do you know?"
Steve: " Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands,
and number two: his brains are in the begonias."
Marcy: " Alright, forget the money. You know what I want?"
Al: " Yes, I do and you're too late, Peg's already got them."
Steve: " Borrow a cup of kibble? We ran out and the dog's still
hungry."
Al: " What's the matter? The neighbor's cat not fill him up."
Steve: " That cat was taunting him, Al."
Al: " Hopw much do you want for him?"
Marcy: " $1000."
Al: " $1000? For a dog that just let me shoot it?"
Episode 105: Have You Driven A Ford Lately
-------------------------------------------
< Al goes outside to meet Kelly's boyfriend>
Kelly: " This is so embarrassing. I just know dad's gonna
misinterpret the dog collar around Rogers < her boyfriend>
neck."
< Steve talks car talk>
Marcie: " Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?"
Steve: " Well, I was a man before I met you."
Al: < to Peg> " He was honey. Do you believe it?"
< Peg and Marcy are bored>
Al: " Do you wanna come out in the garage and use one of the
sanders?"
Peg: " Not on the car..."
Bud: " Kelly, could you please bring me a tissue?"
Kelly: " Get one yourself, you little zit!"
Bud: < holds up a bra> " Never mind! I've found a whole bunch of them
in your bra."
Marcie: " Why do guys like cars?"
Peg: " Well, maybe we've been too hard on the guys.Cars are in their
blood. You see, with men they hear the engine and they think
it's their engine. They see the sleek and smooth lines of the
car and they think they're sleek and smooth. And then they
reach for that stick shift and...well, you know what I mean."
Al: " You know, Steve, you're not my kind of guy or anything and I
don't wanna hang around with you but you know your cars."
Al: " You used to buy a car to have fun. Now you worry about
four-doors, mileage, whether or not you'd survive a head-on
collision. I mean, who cares?"
Steve: " Looking cool 'n' going fast -- that's what cars should be
for."
Marcy: " I never thought I could have this much hate for an inanimate
object."
Peg: " You mean Al?"
Peg: " Believe me, I've known him < Al> a long time, and when Al's not
talking he is not thinking."
Episode 106: Whose Room Is It Anyway
------------------------------------
Al: < to Kelly> " I want you to cut down on your entertainment
expenditures, you know: records, movies, bleach."
Marcy: " We've been nut picking and we've brought you a bag. Got a
nut cracker?"
Al: " You're looking at her < Peg> ."
< Steve and Marcy has got a tax refund>
Marcy: " The only thing is, we don't know what to do with the money."
Al: " Why don't you have a couple of kids. They'll suck it up like
a Hoover... That's a vacuum cleaner, Peg, in case you want
to do something different with your afternoons.
Steve: " ... we need you to sign a variance to give us permission to
build that close to the property line and it seemed like an
impossision."
Peg: " Don't be rediculous. We're friends. Aren't we, Al?"
Al: " Who, you and me? No!"
Al: " Why do you give Buck chopped sirloin and I get tuna? Why
doesn't he get the tuna?"
Peg: " Because tuna makes his breath smell and yours is hereditary."
Peg: " Look, Marcy is on my side. She makes the money, she's got the
power."
Al: " I make the money and I have no power... why is that, Peg?"
Al: " How're you doing, Steve? Are you comfortable?"
Steve: " Sure, Al."
Al: " How could you be without a backbone!"
Al: " Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman
says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers?
It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to
please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and
have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What
happened, Steve? I'll tell you what happened, Steve.
Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too.
That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it but it's
work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equallity
thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?"
Steve: " The french?"
< Al shakes his head 'yes'>
Al: " A mans castle is his pants!"
Peg: " I wanted a sewing room. You know, some place I could go and
drink wine and hide from the kids."
Steve: " I think Marcie and I should get a room we both like."
Al: " She's already got one: the kitchen."
Episode 107: Al Loses His Cherry
--------------------------------
Peg: " You're not going anywhere without a good, healthy breakfast."
Kelly: " Mother, I'm 15. I'm old enough to know how to use a vending
machine."
Peg: " What do you do at the mall, anyway?"
Kelly: " Nothing."
Bud: " You know what they do? Sometimes they look in the shoe
store... and laugh at daddy."
Kelly: " Well, all the kids do. It's not like they know he's my
father."
Peg: " Wouldn't it be nice if we could go off together, just the two
of us?"
Al: " Not really."
Peg: " Marcy, this is Al! I mean, where's he gonna go? He might
drive around for a while till he has to use the bathroom and
eat. And he'll come slinking back, pretending nothing
happened. Then we'll go to bed and nothing will happen."
Sherry: " One time I went into the cockpit and I actually saw her
sitting on the pilots lap helping him fly the plane. She
must have been very good because he told the co-pilot to get
out."
Sherry: < to Al> " You have very strong fore arms. It must be from all
that flushing."
Sherry: " What does a nice guy look for in a girl?"
Al: " You. Really, you're beautiful and you're blonde and you're
facing me. You see, I like that in a woman."
Sherry: " I'm looking for a serious commitment. Someone who will stay
the night."
Al: " Well, I'd better get going home."
Sherry: " Can I come with you?"
Al: " What are my chances that Peg's in a coma?"
Episode 108: Peggy Sue Got Work
-------------------------------
Peg: < to Marcie> " You're not a house wife. You have your own money.
I have to use strategy. When you first get married, you can
withhold sex. But then they get to like that."
Peg: " Men. God love 'em. They're just children with pay checks."
Marcy: " Just a second, Steve, I'm settling an argument here. Al is a
cheap, sexist, primitive throwback of a human being."
Steve: " So, what's the argument?"
Al: " In the history of the Bundy family, no wife has ever worked
outside or inside the home."
Peg: " You must be tired. Do you want something to eat?"
Bud: " No, thanks. I don't have time to cook right now, mom."
Al: " Alright, Peg. A few words of advice: as soon as you walk out
that door you'll feel a warm sensation on your head and
shoulders. Don't panic. That's just our friend, the sun."
Peg: " And Al, if you should feel a sudden sharp pain where you sit,
that's just your friend, my foot."
Peg: " What did he < Al> make you for dinner?"
Bud: " Marshmellows."
Peg: " Where's the dog?"
Bud: " He's out barfing marshmellows. It looks like a winter out
there."
Marcy: " How was your first day at work?"
Peg: " I hate working. That's why I got married."
Bud: " Why don't you just break down and go to the supermarket and buy
some actual food, you know, like the kind mom used to defrost?"
Al: " I hate the supermarket. I always wind up in the 2000 items or
less aisle behind some ugly lady in a mumu and curlers. And
when everything is totaled up, then they go for the check book.
Like it never occured to them that they'd have to pay. And
they always turn around and ask me: 'What's the date?' Like it
matters to me? All they've gotta do is look at the date on the
milk and add one."
Al: < to Steve> " If she < Peg> keeps working any longer, we'll all be
living in the gutter. Now, actually I won't be living in the
gutter, I'll be in prison for killing your wife."
Steve: " Gee, Al, I don't like to butt into your business..."
Al: " No, go ahead. Pretend you are your wife."
Steve: " OK, I think you have to take into consideration what's best
for Peggy."
Al: " Why would I do that?"
Episode 109: Married... Without Children
----------------------------------------
< Bud holds up a bra>
Bud: " Hey, Kelly, look! Even Mrs. Rhodes has a bigger bra
size than you."
Peg: " Kids aren't so bad. I remember one Mothers Day they surprised
me with the sweetest... oh, no, that wasn't them. I saw that
on TV."
Marcy: " Oh, Peggy. You know, it sounds like you need to get away."
Peg: " Yeah, I've thought about that. But then Al and the kids
would just hunt me down and drag me back."
Peg: " Look, Steve and Marcy are here."
Al: " Yeah, I know. I've been circling the block waiting for them to
leave. But I finally ran out of gas."
Steve: " Al, why don't you just go? Relax? Enjoy yourself?"
Al: " Steve, look out in the kitchen there. Do you see that
redhead? Try to picture her in heat."
Steve: " ... and thanks for selling me out, too."
Al: " No problem!"
Peg: " Now, Marcy, here's the list of do's and don'ts. And a very
special don't: no partys! Especially Kelly, it's a promise
we've made the police."
Al: " I can't believe the traffic. Why does everybody always stop and
watch somebody change a tire. When I wait in traffic that long
at least they could show me some mangled bodies."
Marcy: " Did it ever occured to you that you're setting the tone for
the entire day? If you're negative, they'll be negative."
Steve: " If I leave, will they leave?"
Peg: " I'd never thought I'd say this this soon, but I miss the kids."
Al: " What kids?"
Peg: " Ours. A boy and a girl, remember?"
Marcy: " Sean, where are you planning to attend college?"
Sean: " Oh, well, I was hoping to get a government job, you know, so
that I could sell secrets."
Marcie: " We're sorry."
Steve: " We're sorry. You bet we're sorry. We're sorry we ever moved
in next door to the devil's spawning ground."
Episode 110: The Poker Game
---------------------------
Steve: " Marcy needs the car tonight for her women's group meeting."
Al: " What do they do? Pile in and look for men to run over."
Peg: " Give Al five dollars and you've just cashed in his pay check."
Al: " 25, yeah, that's a great age. Just before their butts start to
sag and they start wearing Reebok's."
Al: " If you want a perfect woman, you gotta build her in your head.
You know, it gives you something to do when you're making love
to your wife."
Steve: " I don't gamble."
Al: " Steve, we're married men, we all gamble."
Steve: " What am I gonna tell Marcy?"
Al: " Steve, you're a man, lie like a dog."
Al: " Here's what I'd do: I walk in the door, before Peg can say a
word, which means I've gotta be quick, I tell her how great she
looks. Then, if it's really rough, I grid my teeth and throw
her a quick one. She's so grateful she forgets what she's gonna
ask me and even if she says something later on, I'm asleep."
Lady: " I want something to go with this < ugly> dress."
Al: " A bubling cauldron?"
Lady: " You've got a lot of nerve."
Al: " I need it to get this close to your feet."
Al: " Hey, did Marcy ever bring up the budget again?"
Steve: " Yes, Al, she did. And every time she did I told her how
beautiful she looked... and showed her. I showed her till
eight o'clock this morning, Al. She's out cold and I don't
remember how I got here."
Al: " Then it worked?"
Steve: " Yeah, but I'm afraid that it'll never work again, Al. I
don't know how to ask you this, but I've gotta ask you for a
big favour..."
Al: " Woah, Steve, I can't! She's your wife. I don't like
touching mine."
Al: " That's what being a man is all about, Steve: making mistakes and
not caring."
Steve: " Peg, listen very carefully to me: I lost my pay check to Al
in the poker game. He won't give it back. Marcy's gonna
kill me... if she hasn't already."
Al: " 25, the perfect age. Just before their butts start to sag and
they start wearing Reebok's."
< Peg has a fishing catalog>
Marcie: " What are you doing?"
Peg: " Al was admiring this fishing rod this morning so when he
comes in broke from poker, I like to leave it out just to
remond him of yet another thing he'll never get."
Episode 111: Where's The Boss
-----------------------------
Al: " I heard some bad news on the radio."
Peg: " You don't use it, you loose it?"
Al: " What do I care. You've already got it"
Al: " The guy that owns the store, Gary, disappeared going to
Hawaii...who's gonna sign my checks?"
Peg: " What's there to sign? They just hand you a roll of nickels."
Peg: " Did you ever think of sending me flowers?"
Al: " You're still alive."
Marcie: " The family sent all the flowers to his favorite
charities."
Peg: " I hope they sent some to the Home for the Poor and Stupid."
Al: " I told you we're not living with your mother."
Al: < to fat lady> " Wherever a fat woman shoves a smelly
foot in a poor guy's face, I'll be there. Wherever a guy tries
to return a pair of shoes he's worn for three months,
I'll be there. Wherever kids come in with old shoes and try to
sneak out with new ones, I'll be there, too . Madam, if Shamu ever
needs a mate, you'll be there."
Gary: " The next woman I bed will be dedicated to you."
Al: " Could you make it a blonde?"
Gary: " They do make life worth living, don't they?"
Al: < looking at Peg> "I wouldn't know."
Bud: " Mom, you're cooking!"
Peg: " It's not everyday Kelly gets promoted to the next grade."
Al: " How am I gonna pay my bills?"
Bud: " Well, if Kelly ever graduates, were gonna have a heck of a
lawsuit against the Board of Education."
Peg: " Gee, isn't that great news, Al? You spent $300 on flowers for
a millionaire while you're family could starve and your wife
could go naked."
Al: " Believe me Peg, I'd kill before I'd let you go naked...And no
jury would convict me, either."
Al: " Not only is Gary not dead, he doesn't even know I'm alive."
Peg: " You know, honey. Sometimes at night, I'm nnut sure either.
But then you burp."
Al: " I work for a guy who wouldn't spit on me if he saw me."
Steve: " Come on, Al. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure he'd
spit on you if he saw you."
Kelly: < to Peg> " It's what you always tell me: if a man doesn't work
he's no use at all."
Al:
Episode 112: Nightmare On Al's Street
-------------------------------------
< Marcie has another dream about Al>
Marcie: " This is where you're supposed to tell me how Al is quick
in the sack and we both laugh."
Peg: " Marcie, that's 2 nights in a row. Al hasn't been quick in
the sack with me for 2 nights in a row in years."
Marcie: " Hey, do you think I'm enjoying this. I was throwing up
all night."
Peg: " Well, so did I at first, but it passes."
Al: " What should I do? Stop wearing T-shirts? Stop oozing sex
from every pore?"
Peg: " That's not sex."
Al: " Why can't you have dreams like me. You know, where you're
Maharaja Bundy. You know. And women with 4 hooters feed me
Ding Dongs all day."
Marcie: " Is Steve in there?"
Al: " No, there are no other men in my dream. Just Phil Donohue
and we feed him to the lizard people."
Peg: " Al, Marcie's here."
Al: " Nice try, Peg. I'm still hungry."
Marcie: " Steve firmly believes that the penny is a thing of the
past."
Al: " I'm sure the feeling is mutual."
< Con artists are in the neighborhood>
Al: " Of course they're leaving the neighborhood. These guys
are crooks. First, you believe these guys just happen to
be in the neighborhood. And, second, we have to believe,
that these guys see Marcie and want to come back. Is there
something so stupid a woman won't fall for it?"
Peg: " I fell for you, sweetie."
Marcie: " How could you marry such a chauvanistic, sexist man?
Peg: " A dare."
Al: " Look, I'm not sexist. I'm just saying women don't know
nothing."
< Marcie gets sick when Steve brings up sex>
Steve: " Alright. That's it. Look, I've asked more than a few women
to goto bed with me in my time. While I admit some of
their responses may have been somewhat cruel, not very
many of them jumped up and stuck their heads in the toilet."
Steve: " Don't toy with me, Marcie. I'm horny and I've been to
Buffalo."
Episode 113: Johnny Be Gone
---------------------------
< Marcie comes in wearing a towel>
Al: " Hey, Marcie, what's holdind the towel up?"
< Marcie & Steve come in>
Peg: " Make yourself at home, watch TV and don't pet the dog. He
might expect it from us."
Al: " I never wanted to get married, I got married. Never wanted kids,
I have 2 of them. Why the hell am I here?"
< Al reads assembly instructions first in German...now in Japanese...>
Al: " It sounds like a history of WW 2."
< ...now in French>
Al: " More people we should have killed."
< Al builds Bud's model car>
Kelly: " There he is fixing the male child's problem while I take the
back seat."
Bud: " You should be used to that."
Peg: " I'll call Spike and have him trade our number with my friend
Easy Eddy, you know, the one that turned you < Al> down in high
school."
< Marcie holds up dress Steve brought in>
Steve: " I was in a hurry so I grabbed the first thing I saw."
Al: " I did that. That's how I ended up with Peg."
< Marcie comes down in shrunked dress>
Peg: < to Marcie> "Just go in there and show 'em what you've got."
Al: " That's how Peg got me."
Marcie: " It sounds like you've got alot of memories
there < Johnny B. Goode's> ."
Peg: " More than anywhere else. After all, that's where I met the
man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with...and I met
Al there, too."
Episode 201: Buck Can Do It
---------------------------
Peg: " I want you to do something for me that you've been promising
for a long time."
Al: " What's that you say, Peg? I'm sorry. It's just this darn
headache."
Peg: " Not that. I meant something that requires movement on your
part. I want you to fix the back fence."
Al: " Wait a minute. Why should I fix it? It wasn't me who said
'Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against a fence.'
It wasn't meant to support a 200 pound woman with a keg under
each arm."
Peg: " The kids are getting old enough to realize it's not your
part time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer
cans. Now you won't even fix the fence. What kind of example
is that for them?"
Al: " If we are an example to the kids, Bud will get a job that will
slowly kill him and Kelly, she'll grow up to believe that a
2 income family is a house with 2 husbands."
Peg: " I'm talking about the fence. Remember you said Buck couldn't
find his way out. Well, he found his way out and he's knocked
up every dog in the neighborhood."
Al: " That's rediculous, Peg. He's a lifeless lump."
Peg: " We had two kids."
Al: " Then my work is done...How can that be? He tips over when
he lifts his leg."
Guy: " Keep your daughter away from my son."
Al: " She was probably just borrowing a dress."
Al: " Steve, we were put on this earth to roam, to conquer, to rule.
Then we got married and it was all over for us."
< Buck's getting fixed>
Peg: " Marcie suggested a vet that's close to us &, guess what, it's
a woman."
Al: " What's she do? Nag them 'til they fall off."
Steve: " All you have to do is take a pill."
Marcie: " The pill could be dangerous."
Steve: " So could I if you try to rewire my plumbing."
Al: " Isn't this great. Buck's keeping his and Steve's losing his."
Episode 202: Poppy's By The Tree (part-1)
-----------------------------------------
Al: " We're poor so we're going to Dump Water. But remember that
it's a day off of work for me, a day off of school for you
kids, and, Peg, every day is a vacation for you, so why am
I talking to you."
Kelly: " Where are we going to sleep?"
Guy: " She must have been really scared for her hair to turn
white at such a young age."
< Bud & Kelly's room was twin beds>
Al: " I asked for the twin beds."
Guy: " Remember our motto:'If we don't got it, you shoulda brought
it.'"
< He asks for a tip>
Al: " Remember our motto:'We ain't got it.'"
Lady: " You look like a nice couple < Al & Peg> ."
Al: " You, too."
Lady: " Anything else I can do for you?"
Peg: " Al, maybe she can bend down again & pick up your tongue."
Al: " Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy."
Kelly: " Is there any real food here or do I have to stand under a
bug light with my mouth open?"
Bud: " Even bumpikins have feelings."
Guy: " What would you like?"
Kelly: " A bus ticket and a real family but I'd settle for a couple
of burgers."
Peg: " Comfortable, Al?"
Al: " Does it matter?"
Peg: " No, not really."
Al: " It's supposed to be my vacation."
Peg: " Get to work, Al."
Episode 203: Poppy's By The Tree (part-2)
-----------------------------------------
Peg: " I love you, Al"
Al: " Who cares? We're gonna die."
< locals find Al asleep with his hands & a fork in his pants>
Guy: " Be careful, the one with the powerful feet has a fork
in his pants."
Al: " 'Why didn't we got to Hawaii? Why did we come here? Why did
we have to take the car?' Standing here with my loving family,
I wonder why I'm running from the axe."
Al: " Delbert's the killer. I know it, you know it, and, if
Darwin's right, they'll < townspeople > will know it
in a million years."
Al: " I'm going back to Chicago; where I only die a little
every day."
Peg: " ...and the thing you move across the rug that goes
'vroom?'"
Murderer: " A vacuum?"
Peg: " I feel naked without one."
Murderer: " Then you'll defenitely have one."
Kelly: < to Bud> "Will you stop it?"
Bud: " That's the first time you've ever said those words, Kel."
Peg: " Maybe this is just one of those mystery vacations."
Bud: " It's no mystery. Dad was just too cheap to take us somewhere
nice so we're gonna get butchered."
Al: " Envy me. That's my wife. Those are my kids and I sell womens'
shoes. I was dead before I got here."
< Al opens door on lady dressing>
Al: " Ma'am, sorry to bother you while you're dressing but have you
seen a tall red haired woman...I forget her name right now but
the kids call her 'mom.'"
Episode 204: If I Were A Rich Man
---------------------------------
< Al's all alone at home>
Al: " Ahh, it feels like I'm in...< Peg walks in> ...hell."
Peg: " How was your day, honey?"
Al: " It was fine up until now."
Kelly: " Billy's dad...just got a Porsche."
Bud: " That's the thrid one on the block: Porsche, Porsche, Dodge,
Porsche."
Al: " We also have wage earners, wage earners...< he looks at
family> ...leetches, wage earners."
Al: " Did I tell you kids I love you today?"
Bud: " No, dad."
Al: " Think about that on the way upstairs."
Steve: " Al, you know cars. Should I get the Volvo, the Baby Benz, or
the BMW?"
Al: " The BMW is a fine car but, if you drive into a brick wall,
the Mercedes has air bags so...get the BMW."
Al: " Everybody is making money."
Peg: " No they aren't...you're not."
< Steve thinks of jail>
Steve: " Al, if I'm going to be playing in the shower with maniacs,
you're going to be passing the soap."
Steve: " As soon as we're behind bars, Al, I'm gonna kill you. If I
can't do it myself, I'm gonna make sure my boyfriend's bigger
than yours."
< Door bell rings>
Steve: " There's the long arm of the law."
< Marcie comes in>
Al: " No, it's the frog legs of your wife."
Steve: " Guess what I got under my arm."
Al: " Nair burn."
Radio Announcer: " And in local news, tragedy was averted when a
sobbing woman and her 2 kids were talked off the
roof of the Sears Tower in what was thought to be
Chicago's first family suicide attempt in history.
The woman was reported as saying,'Shoes. He sells
shoes.'"
Episode 205: For Whom The Bell Tolls
------------------------------------
Al: " I hate that light. It makes everything look yellow. The
neighborhood's ugly enough in the day. I don't want to
look at it at night."
< Peg's on the phone>
Al: " Who are you talking to, Peg?...It must be your mother. Tell
he I said 'oink.'"
Al: " The phone bill came. Let's see...There's some big fat calls to
Milwaukee. Peg, do you know anyone big and fat in Milwaukee?"
Peg: < on Phone> " Hold on, mom."
Al: " That's right. Your mother."
Al: " Peg, why don't you be a game show host. Someone asks for $10000.
You shrug your shoulders and then I come out and pay them. We
can call it 'That Idiot Al.'"
< Kelly want to leave>
Kelly: " Bye mom. I'm off to live in the streets if you need me."
Peg: " OK, but I don't think I'll need you."
Kelly: " I'm not moving back 'til we get a phone or I get married."
Peg: " We want a phone, Al."
Al: " I want a life. Good luck to us all."
Al: " Who called 'Dial-A-Prayer?'"
Bud: " I did but don't pay. Kelly's still here."
Al: " Who called Vancouver? Peg, did your mother get so fat she
spread across the border?"
Al: " I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since I
got married."
Peg: " There's one thing that's still free. Why don't you dust off
Mr. VanWinkle and bring him over for a visit. Sex, Al."
Al: " Great, the one thing I would pay for."
Al: " I can't sleep, what should we do?"
Peg: " Since we aren't using the phone, we could wrap the cord
around your neck and tighten slowly until the sandman comes."
Bud: " Dad, is there anything we could do to make you change your
mind, like saying 'I love You,' or would you see right
through that?"
Episode 206: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (part-1)
-----------------------------------------------
Fat lady: " It's because of guys like that that I don't wear
shorts anymore."
Al: " You sure it wasn't because of the guys with the
harpoons?"
Peg: " Why don't you bring me flowers?"
Al: " We had sex."
Peg: " Something I'd enjoy would be nice."
Fat Lady: " He is undressing me with his eyes."
Steve: " Ma'am, that would take years."
Peg: " You were staring at her < awesome babe > too?"
Al: " Yea."
Peg: " She have nice legs?"
Al: " Yea."
Peg: " She have nice breasts?"
Al: " Yea."
Peg: " Do you wanna go upstairs?"
Al: " Yea....Wait! with you?"
< Peg takes can of beer & baking soda out of fridge>
Peg: " Well, emptied the fridge...I'm glad you took Marcie's advice
and hired a woman to fix the refrigerator."
Al: " I wish I could hire someone to fill it."
Marcie: " Steve, you're just like Al. No, you're worse than Al. He's
a neanderthal sexist but he doesn't try to hide it."
Al: " Hide it? I'd get a t-shirt that says it."
Marcie: " Peg, do you know what's going on under your roof?"
Peg: " We're roting our lives away. But the kids seem to like it."
Marcie: " Steve and I were supposed to goto a fundraiser for my
womens' group."
Al: " Steve, was it formal? You know, 300 pound women with
crew cuts wearing flannel."
< Al & Steve look at fat guy fixing fridge>
Al: " Look at it, Steve. It's like 2 rhinos gently playing under
a tent."
Al: " If you want something fixed right, get an ugly guy to do it."
Al: " Look, Steve. It's good for women to be gone when they're mad at
you...It's good for women to be gone."
< Al's talking about married women looking around>
Al: " You don't go fishing for minnows when you have Moby Dick at
home."
Bud: " Grandma makes me dance with her."
Al: " Do what I do: ride on her feet."
Bud: " Get Kelly to go. She's used to dancing with smelly old people
for money."
Al: " Many a time I look at my wife sitting there much like
you < Steve> and I think "Go Home." Then the horror hits me,
she is home. Now I'm depressed, Steve."
Steve: " Don't you want your daughter to be appreciated for more than
her physical beauty?"
Al: " Let me see how I'm going to answer this. Pumpkin, come down
here. Now, sweetheart, tell Uncle Steve what career your
guidance counselor said you'd be best suited for."
Kelly: " Lumber camp toy or the other woman."
< Al pays repair man>
Al: " $80 to fix a big hulking thing that doesn't work and $20 to
marry one."
< Al's frig is broken>
Al: " 16 years ago, Peg's father came to me and said,' Here, take
it. From me to you. It's yours. It's hardly been used.' I
should've known something was up. Come to think of it, he
sold me that refigerator, too."
Steve: " Where do you think the girls went, Al?"
Al: " To a nice place, away."
Episode 207: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (part-1)
-----------------------------------------------
< Al & Peg had sex previous night>
Kelly: " Was there an earthquake last night. The walls were shaking
and I heard dad scream?"
Peg: " Well, he scares easily."
Bud: " I slept through it. It must have been a short one."
Peg: " Several short ones."
Zorro: " I'm an exotic dancer at Troy's."
Al: " I'd invite you in but instead I think I'll just beat the
crap out of you."
Al: < to Zorro> " Oh, and if my wife should ever lose anything down
your pants, so will you."
Al: " Women like us to look at them like slabs of beef. Do you think
that they wear tights so women can say to them 'Gee, your thighs
look succulent?" Some do but they become gym teachers, I mean
women."
Al: < to Steve> " Just when you've broken here, just when you've
striped away the last ounce of her pride, just when she's bending
down to kiss your feet, tell her you got the ring from Al Bundy."
Al: " Last month when you came back from "swapping recipes" < Troy's> ,
you were, let's say, 'horny as a toad' and I gave you some
money to fix the breaks on my car, do I have any breaks, Peg?"
Peg: " No, Al."
Al: " And when the kids needed money for a school project, we don't
really sponsor a Korean family."
Peg: " No, Al."
Al: " And when Kelly needed contacts. So the big frost didn't really
drive up the price of Tang. Are the kids really at your
mother's or have they been sold to some Arabs?"
< Peg & Marcie are at Troy's>
Marcie: " We got to get backstage."
Peg: " We have to get something out of Zorro's pants."
Guy: " That old story again, Mrs. Bundy."
Marcie: " This is an emergency."
Guy: " Yea, right. Listen lady. We used to let women backstage
until the big riot. We call it the Bundy rule."
Marice: " It's my wedding ring. I want it back or I'll see you in
court."
Guy: " I don't think so. You see...< guy reads from sign> ...'Troy's
is not reponsible for valuables lost in any part of a
dancer.' Once again, the Bundy rule."
Marcie: " Steven notices everyting. Do you know what we do in bed?
Peg: " Yea, Bud tells us."
Marcie: " Oh, well. Anyway, Steve and I lie in bed, put our ring
fingers together, stare at our wedding rings and kiss."
Peg: " So Bud made that up about Little Bo Peep and the Cop?"
Peg: " You ready for grandma's kids? You got you room deodorizers?"
Kids: " Yes, mom."
Peg: " Toilet seat covers?"
Kids: " Yes, mom."
Peg: " Flea and tick spray?"
Kids: " Yes, mom."
Peg: " Well, then, you're ready...< car horn sounds> ...There's
your taxi."
Bud: " Please, mom, don't do this."
Peg: " Bud, honey, be strong. I'll see you in a couple of days."
Kelly: " We love you mom...but not today."
Peg: " Oh, and remember, when you say 'hello,' grandpa is the one
with hair."
Marcie: " Any sign of Zorro?"
Peg: " No, but I think I slpet with Speedy Gonzalez last night."
Steve: " I feel so guilty. Everytime I look at Marcie's face all I
can see is that girl's heiny. It's wrong, Al, and I feel
unworthy of someone like Marcie."
Al: " She's a special person. Oh, By the way, here's her wedding
ring she lost down sone guy's jock at a strip club last
night."
Episode 208: Born To Walk
-------------------------
Kelly: " Where's daddy?"
Peg: " He's getting his hair cut."
Kelly: " He doesn't need a hair cut."
Peg: " I know. It's where he and his friends get together & talk
about what they could've been, so it shouldn't be long."
Al: " Peg, sell the house."
Peg: " Why, did you find a shirt you want to buy?"
Al: " Yea, it said 'Congratulate me. The Wife's dead.'"
Al: " You're such a help, Peg. That's like the old saying,'Behind
every empty shell of a man stands one of your relatives.'"
< Al tells Peg a story>
Peg: " Al, does this story have a point or does it go on endlessly
like our marriage?"
Kelly: " Well, I know why you don't want me to drive. It's not the
insurance. Your little girl's growing up and you just can't
bear to let her go, huh?"
Al: " Nah, it's the insurance."
< Peg writes out here schedule>
Peg: " Saturday 11 PM make love, 11:05 PM Al goes to sleep, 11:06 PM
finish making love."
Kelly: " Dad got a ticket for a broken tail light. Then he got
another one 'cos his license expired last month."
Peg: " That means it was your birthday last month. Happy birthday,
honey."
< Bud quizzes Kelly>
Bud: " OK, Kel. An old man pulls up beside you on the street and
offers you a dollar. Do you:
A: ignore him and keep walking
B: call the police
C: do what you usually do"
Bud: " Being without a license, dad, does it make you feel any less
of a man?"
Al: " No, son, that's your mother's job."
Steve: " How come you aren't at the track?"
Al: " For the same reason I'm not out with a sleazy blonde, I'm
married with children."
Steve: " Peg, you've got the greatest husband in the world."
Peg: " Why, what happened to Al?"
Episode 209: Alley Of The Dolls
-------------------------------
< the Rhoade's are at the door>
Al: < opens door> "There goes my day!"
Peg: " All you have to do is bowl and be a Bundy."
Steve: " Fat chance, only if I swing from a vine and marry Cheetah."
Al: " We'll Bundy you up."
Steve: " I don't want you to Bundy me up. What if I don't come back?"
Bud: " You're dirt, Kel."
Kelly: " Yes, but everybody knows it."
Steve: " Bud, are your folks in. I want to ask them if I could be an
adopted Bundy. That would explain my hygeine, grammar, and
my ability to walk upright."
Guy: " Who is this < Steve> ?"
Peg: " That's cousin Steve."
Guy: " He's not a Bundy. I smell a ringer."
< Steve burps>
Guy: " My mistake. He's a Bundy."
Al: " Strike!!"
Peg: " Can you do it again?"
Al: " That's all I ever hear from you."
Episode 210: The Razor's Edge
----------------------------
Bud: " When I get married, no wife of mine is going to tell me
what to do."
Kelly: " She's just going to go 'baaaa.'"
Bud: " Oh, yeah. Everyone make fun of me 'cos I'm the only virgin
in the house."
< Al & Peg look at Kelly>
Kelly: < looking sheepishly> " That's not true."
Bud: " Naaaa."
Marcie: " Peg, what would you do if Al didn't come home for 5 days?"
Peg: " Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother
and travel."
< Al comes in and bucket falls on his head>
Peg: " Al, did you have to come home?"
Al: " Well, the summer house was closed up. The yacht was in
dry dock. So I figured, what the hell, I'll goto the
ghetto home."
Marcie: " We're waiting for Steve."
Al: " So the bucket of death wasn't meant for me."
< Marcie won't touch Steve while he has his beard>
Al: " A beard, eh..."
Peg: " It won't work, Al. I don't look at your face anyway."
Steve: " If you're going to watch TV remember I go to bed at 10:30.
Al: " 10:30? But that's when Peg goes to bed. I'll have to go up
with her."
Steve: " I hate to punish Peggy but I need my sleep."
Marcie: " I'm not going to go against my principles for an hour and
a half of pleasure."
Peg: " An hour and a half. If you add up all the sex that Al and
I have ever had, it doesn't add up to an hour and a half...
of pleasure, anyway."
Al: " Nature played a cruel trick on us."
Steve: " They did move us next door to each other."
Al: " Well, two. But I'm talking about the one that keeps us men
from ruling the Earth. Men have an urge but women have the
answer. That's not much but it's all they need."
Al: " They < women> have the same urges. We < men> can do the job and
they can't take a battery home to meet the parents."
Peg: " When you pick him < Steve> up for the Banker's Ball, wear the
sleasiest outfit you can find. I'll loan you something."
Marcie: " Our marriage isn't based on that."
Peg: " Then what does it mean when you're screaming 'Oh God, Oh
God, Oh God' yet you never go to church."
Peg: " Nature played a cruel trick on men. They gave them a source of
pleasure but, in order for it to work, the blood has to leave
the brain. It leaves them confused, disoriented. It wants to
enter into negotiations. The brain needs the blood back.
It needs it to go to work to pay for all
those things agreed to a moment before. We may not have upper
body strength but we do have sexual kryptonite."
< Steve's horny>
Al: " I have a gift for you. A special gift. I didn't want to do
this until it was absolutely necessary. Sit down. Clear
your mind and think of Marcie."
< Al shows mother-in-law's picture to Steve>
Al: " Here's a picture of my mother-in-law."
Steve: " Aaaaaaah."
Al: " Everybody says that. That's her bending over at the beach.
Summer 1971. Notice the perspiration percolating
in the folds of her stomach. You may wonder why her upper
arms are blurry. There was a breeze, we caught them in
mid-flap."
Steve: " I came over to apologize for all the noise you may have
heard list night."
Peg: " Don't worry. We didn't hear a word. Especially when
Marcie said 'I don't care how lonely Mr. Mike is.'"
Al: " Peg, you know those little brown potatoes that Steve makes.
Can you do that?"
Peg: " Al, you know about making love for an hour and a half like
Steve does? Can you do that?"
Episode 211: How Do You Spell Revenge?
--------------------------------------
NOTE: The 'N' in Al's uniform is backwards.
Al: " Listen, this is not about sex, is it? Because I don't
know anything about it."
Kelly: " I know. Mom told me."
Al: " It's only a game if you win but if you lose it's a stinking
waste of time."
Al: " If God had wanted women to play ball, he would've made
them men."
Al: " Your mom could lose a grounder in the sun."
Al: " I might not be around forever."
Kelly: " That's what mom says."
Al: " Your mom's the reason I might not be around."
Al: " Guys may come and guys may go, but daddy's always daddy...
well, at least until he jumps a freight train."
Al: < to Kelly's boyfriend > "Drink all my juice did you?"
Bud: " You know that juice gives him the energy he needs to fight
infection < as he looks at Kelly > "
Al: " Society somehow separated the sexes. It made some people women.
I don't know why. I'd rather be dead. It made women weaker.
They're meant to do things for men. Men aren't made to do
things for women...until they're married and the law makes
them."
Al: " Where's the tattoo parlor?"
Bud: " Next to the club that says 'Girls, Girls, Girls.' You go..."
Al: " I know where it is."
Kelly: " I love everything about him: his hair, his breath..."
Peg: " There goes the myth that a girl wants a guy like her
mother has."
Al: " How about a guy like her mother's dad...you know, the
chronically unemployed."
Peg: " You look familiar. Do I know you?"
Brian: " I'm not sure. I work at the market."
Al: " Then she definitely doesn't know you."
< New Market Mallers lost in softball to nuns>
Peg: " You told the sister,'Bless this, sister.'"
Al: " I may not know all the religious gestures but I recognized
the one she gave me."
< Al goes after Brian's dad & sees the mom>
Al: " She came out of the kitchen. Her face was in a jello mold.
Her mumu was split so she could fit into it. Peg, she had no
knees. So I let him live. I thought it was the worst I could
do to him."
Episode 212: Earth Angel
------------------------
< Babe comes in>
Al: < to Bud> "This isn't a present for you. It's for Daddy."
Al: < to Tiffany> "There are so many things we want to know.
Where are you from? What are your plans? And when did
you stop wearing a bra?"
Al: " Tiffany, can I get you anything: food, water,..."
Peg: " An old man drooling on you."
Steve: " When it's all said and done, the 1 true erogenous zone
is right here < the head> ."
Al: " Not many guys go around pinching women's heads."
Marcie: " Steve won't touch me."
Peg: " Do what we girls do. Go shopping, get some bon-bons and
re-adjust the shower heads."
Peg: < to Al> " We've learned so much. Like you won't die if we do
it more than once a month."
Al: " I have news that'll mke your life easier."
Peg: " You got a night job?"
Al: " I've already got one of those. It's called 'Getting in Bed
with You.'"
Peg: " Well, then. You've been missing work."
< Peg sets the table>
Al: " Are we having dinner or are you jsut testing me and the kids?"
< Al's in basement & Peg's friends walk in>
Al: " There's plaster falling on my head."
Peg: " They say the sun's going to supernova tomorrow and that we
should have sex before it happens."
Al: " I don't have time. I have to go looting."
Peg: " Unlike you, the sun will be up in the morning."
Peg: " We must put an end to global warming. We must buckle up for
safety. But when it comes to Peggy Bundy getting it on a
regular basis, we must go with the flow."
Episode 213: You Better Watch Out
---------------------------------
Kelly: " Dad, why don't we get Bud one of these scratching posts to
rub against? You know, it'll save the furniture."
Bud: " You really wanna save the furniture Kel? Why don't you stop
putting notches on your bed posts?"
Al: " Now Bud, apologize to your sister."
Bud: " No."
Al: " Okay."
Al: " Family, before you go shopping, would you bring old daddys
shotgun and stand close together?"
Al: " Oh come on, that's not what Christmas is about. Christmas
is about family and giving. Okay, here is all the crap my
family gave us last year. It's time for the traditional
re-wrapping of this garbage for your family."
Al: " That's about it for Christmas this year."
Kelly: " Aren't you forgetting something greatest daddy in the world?"
Bud: " Coolest dad in the universe."
Peg: " You, who makes my life worth living?"
Al: " You all want your presents, don't you?"
Peg: " No, we really love you."
Delivery Boy: " Hi, do the Rhoades live here?"
Peg: " Why?"
Delivery Boy: " I have a delivery for them."
Peg: " Oh yes, I'm Mrs. Rhoades. Oh thank you...
< Delivery Boy wants a tip> ...
Oh gee, I don't have any change. Bud could you take
care of that please?...
< Bud slams the door in delivery boys face> ...
Thank you dear. Look kids what we got from ... the
Schmidts from Philadelphia...
< Al comes in> ...
Look honey what we've got from the Schmidts."
Al: " Ahh, they're good people."
< Al comes home without presents>
Al: " Well you know, even when we didn't have too much, we could always
look at the poor people, that were less fortune than us and
feel better. Well, let's find a mirror."
Peg: " Al, Christmas without presents will be like our birthdays."
Al: " Happy Birthday, hon."
< the Rhoades come in>
Marcy: " Delivery from Santa for the Bundys."
Peg: " Oh gee, well thank you. Good thing they're labeled, wouldn't
wanna get them mixed up with the presents Al gave us."
Marcy: " What did Peggy get you Al?"
Al: " Her regularity ... and these two < points at kids> ."
< Santa has crash-landed in the Bundys backyard>
Coroner: " Did you know the deceased?"
Peg: " You know, I've read about him in books. But in books he is
usually going up."
Coroner: " So that's a `No`. Did anyone actually see him fall?"
Bud: " I wish."
< Buck plays with a red shoe>
Steve: " Is that your shoe Al?"
Al: " Nope."
Marcy: " Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,..."
Coroner: " You know Mr. Bundy, that's evidence. Ah what the hell, it's
Christmas, let him keep it."
Marcy: " Santa is gone. I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again."
Kelly: " Well, you're in the right place."
Peg: " Oh come one Marcy, these things happen. Cheer up, it could
have been worse, he could have landed on the picket fence."
Coroner: " Hey, this bag of Santa is getting pretty heavy over here."
Peg: " Oh, put him over by the presents. There's plenty of space
there."
< A bunch of kids is waiting outside to see Santa>
Al: " I`m rolling him (Santa) out right now."
Peg: " Al, they're children."
Al: " Well, this will grow 'em up."
Coroner: " You know, Pizza, that always reminds me of my first day on
the job."
< Girl jumps on Al's (disguised as Santa) lap>
Al: " Ahhhhhh, don't jump on Santas lap too hard little girl.
Mrs. Claus won't like that."
Al: " All dead guys and non-relatives out."
Bud: " So long Kel."
Kelly: " Yeah, as if they really intended to have you."
Peg: " Now kids, we wanted both of you. It was your father I didn't
plan on."
< door bell rings>
Al: " Oh great, probably an elf with a knife in his back."
Mallman: " I'm from the Lakeside Mall and I just wanted to offer our
apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused you."
Al: " Hey, no problem, no inconvenience. You just took all my
business, cost me my bonus, made my family hate me, ..."
Peg: " That's right."
Al: " ... and on top of all that, you slam-dunk Santa into my
backyard."
Coroner: " You know Bundy, you're a decent guy. So here is a little
hint from me to you: Don't die with your jewelery on."
< Something falls in the backyard again>
Kelly: " What's that?"
Al: " I don't know. But if it is dead and has a red nose,we throw it
in Steve and Marcy's yard."
Bud: " Can we go to the new mall?"
Al: " That mall is killing your father."
Kelly: " I thought mom is."
< Coroner tries to take dead Santa out of house & kids are there>
Coroner: " Oh-oh"
Al: " What's the matter now? The Easter Bunny hang himself
in the front yard"
< Al's playing Santa>
Al: " What do you want?"
Kid: " A horse"
Al: " Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the
neighborhood except those nice Bundy's...I'll get you a horse
and if it isn't there in the morning, it's becasue your mom
hunted it down and killed it."
Episode 214: Guys And Dolls
---------------------------
< Kelly's deep in thought>
Bud: " What's the matter, Kel? The contractions 5 minutes apart?"
Bud: < to Kelly> "When's mom and dad gonna realize you're stupid
and leave you alone."
Peg: " We saw your book report entitled: 'Brazil: the Land of
rubber and sunshine.' Why is there a picture of your
sister in a bikini."
Bud: " It illustrates the easy sex in Brazil? How did I do?"
Peg: " Like your father in life, you failed."
Kelly: " I've got this book report due and I haven't even read the
book. It's called Robin Carusoe."
Bud: " I've read that. I can help you for a small fee of course...
OK, Robinson Carusoe was marooned on a desret island. The only
people there were him, Friday...the professor, Mary Ann,
Ginger, and the rest..."
Kelly: " Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Slow down...< she's writing> ...
'the professor."
Bud: " Right, now in the first chapter they had to get around the
island so Gilligan, I mean, ah, Robinson and the professor
built a car that ran on cocnuts."
Kelly: " Cool."
Bud: " You know, Robinson always sang this little song around the
island. You may want to do it in front of the class. It shows
you read carefully."
< Bud sings the theme to Gilligan's Island>
Peg: " He < Bud> needs a hobby. Somthing you can show him, Al.
You can't teach balding. He already knows how to go to
the bathroom and he's too young to drink."
Steve: " He < Bud> could come with you in the morning & steal my
paper."
Al: " My mornings are for me."
Steve: " When I was young, I collected baseball cards. I had a
great collection 'til my mom threw them away."
Al: " It's the greatest hobby but women just don't get it."
Peg: " No, what I don't get is sex."
Peg: " Men are such idiots and I married their king."
Marcie: " I didn't need them < boys> . I had Barbie."
Peg: " And I had a very special bath toy."
Kelly: " I had a meeting with the principal. A 3 hour meeting. A
3 hour meeting. I told him you mistakenly confused
Robinson Carusoe and Gilligan's Island. But he said, 'Even
you, Miss Bundy, aren't that stupid.'"
Bud: " But he was wrong. Wasn't he, Kel?"
Peg: " Al, take Marcie upstairs to our room and let her cry on our
bed. Lord knows it's used to tears."
Al: " Both sides, Peg. Both sides."
Peg: " I don't think they < Rhoades> should have kids."
Al: " I don't think anyone should."
Episode 215: Build A Better Mousetrap
-------------------------------------
Bud: " Did you hear noises last night?"
Peg: " Daddy had gas last night."
Bud: " No, it's a sound I've never heard before."
Kelly: " It could've been a girl moaning your name."
Kelly: " Bud, you should be a model. I can see it now. Your face on a
poster along with the caption 'My Father Should've Used A
Condom.'"
Al: " I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight
pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet.
Then it wanted a kiss. By the way, where is your mother?"
Peg: " I've never been so scared in all my life."
Al: " Did you see the vacuum?"
Peg: " A mouse...kill it."
Al: " Don't worry. Once it sees how we live, it'll go away. I know
I would."
Peg: " Hold me."
Al: " Why? I didn't do anything wrong."
Kelly: " A mouse trap in my room?"
Bud: " The guys under the bed object, Kel?"
Kelly: " What will my friends say?"
Al: " 'Unlike your dad, the mouse will eat before it dies.'"
Al: " With you 3 here, it makes me wonder why I'm hunting the mouse."
Al: " Just once I'd like to hear ' Al, I'm outta here and I'm taking
the kids.'" On the good side, life's half over."
Al: " I'll torture it. I'll throw it against the wall. I'll stomp on
it. And if there's an ounce of life left in it's body, I'll
strap it in a chair, tape it's eyelids open and make it watch
'ThirtySomething.'" No mouse doodies on Al Bundy's shoes and
lives."
Al: " I can hear him laughing at me because he thinks he has me."
Peg: " No, he's laughing 'cos he knows I got you."
Al: " I have no insurance. You must be killing me for the sport."
Peg: " Why can't men just utter the words 'I don't know how?' Even
on our honeymoon, Al just wouldn't admit it."
Episode 216: Master The Possibilities
-------------------------------------
Peg: " I think we forgot something. Bud, give me the shopping list...
egss, bread, milk...That's it. We forgot to do the grocery
shopping."
Al: " Where's Kelly?"
Bud: " She's out on a double date...Her and two guys."
< Al opens a package>
Al: " Yodelin' Andy yodels the blues. Yodelin' Andy yodels the
hits. The Best of Yodelin' Andy. Yodelin' Andy's bill for
$117.
< Al looks at Peg>
Peg: " Get real."
< ..at Bud>
Bud: " That's all my record collection needs..."
Al: " It's not Kelly. Our names are spelled right."
< Al works in a kitchen to pay dinner bill>
Al: " When I was heading to the lobster house with Sven, I asked
him if it was all worth it. He said,'When it's for the family,
it's always worth it.' He also said a lobster couldn't pinch
through an athletic supporter...Sven was 0 for 2 today."
Al: " How am I going to pay for all this?"
Peg: " If you didn't eat that grilled cheese sandwich, you could
use your credit card."
Al: " If your father hadn't laced the vermouth, we'd still be
single."
Peg: " You're just jealous of the dog."
Al: " I'm jealous of everyone not married to you."
Al: " Money changes you. Here we are in the same room together and I
haven't once thought of going into the garage, starting the
car, and letting the engine purr me to sleep."
Al: " We could go to a fancy hotel and only be 20 minutes away."
Peg: " Could we, Al?"
Al: " As long as I'm not paying for it, nothing's too good for
my wife."
< Old guy has babe for a wife>
Al: " You old dog, you."
Guy: " I could say the same about you."
Al: " You could say the same about her < Peg> ."
Episode 218: The Great Escape
-----------------------------
Bud: " So may women, so little time."
Al: " Only one woman, too much time."
Kelly: " He's < rock star> got a house in Jamaice. Do you know
what I'd do for a house in Jamaice?"
Bud: " The same thing you do for a dinner and a movie."
< Al looks at Kelly's report card>
Al: " F, F, F, D. What happened Kelly, you attend one?"
Peg: " $1750 a job < she points to exterminator> , $1750 a year
< points at Al> , smart < exterminator> , dumb < Al> , winner
< exterminator> , loser < Al> ."
Al: " Suicide < Al> , reason < Peg> ."
< 3 babes walk into store>
Peg: " We're closed."
Al: " We've never been more open. Peg, how can I disappoint the
ladies?"
Peg: " Have sex with them."
Al: " I intend to."
Babe 1: < to Babe 3> " I don't know how to explain it. I think it's
called nymphomania."
< Al moves to measure foot to Babe 1>
Babe 2: " Shouldn't you be measuring my foot since I'm the one buying
the shoes?"
Al: " But she's the nymphomaniac."
Fat Lady: " I need shoes."
Al: " The blacksmith's right around the corner."
Al: " We're closed and, much like my life, the day is over."
< Kelly's pretending to be manequin. Al wakes up & heads to bathroom>
Al: " Damn manequins look like hookers."
Episode 219: Im-po-dent
-----------------------
Steve: " My car, she touched it. Now it doesn't feel like mine
anymore."
Al: " I feel that way about several parts of my body."
Peg: " Al, why can't you be more like Steve?"
Marcie: " ...and he's impotent!"
Peg: " You are like Steve."
Marcie: " We tried 6 times last night."
Peg: " Did you hear that, Al? 6 times."
Al: " I could fail six times in one night, too...Let's analyze
this, the first time you tried, was the light on?"
Marcie: " Yes."
Al: " There you go, he saw you."
Al: " Hey, Steve, what's up...oops."
Marcie: < about Steve> "You were once a mighty oak and now..."
Al: " You're a hanging vine."
Marcie: " I need to know how to turn on a man."
Al: " I'm not a plastic surgeon but I'll do what I can."
< door bell rings>
Al: " Peg, could you get that? It's probably the 'Homeless: It
could be worse' Tour."
Marcie: " Does Al allow you to drive his car?"
Peg: " A few times. Once the car didn't have any brakes and
someone had to take it to the shop."
Marcie: " Peggy, can I borrow your car? I gotta go to the
supermarket."
Peg: " My car doesn't go there."
Peg: " The only time Al & I spent a weekend in the bedroom was when
we had to hide from the kids 'cos we forgot it was
Christmas."
Marcie: " Steve's impotent."
Peg: " Give it time. I thought Al had that problem in '74 but, by
'79, it had cleared up."
Al: " Women, what are they good for? 2 C's: cooking and kitchen."
Marcie: " Al, I'm amazed your knuckels don't bleed when you walk."
Marcie: < to Al> "There may be something alive with fewer brain cells
than you but wherever, or whatever, it is, I bet it's name is
Bundy."
Al: " I didn't sleep a wink last night with Steve's car alarm going
off. Of course, it woke your mom and I had to talk to her. Kids,
you almost lost your dad last night."
Peg: < to Marcie> " You're lucky. The thing you can't touch is in the
garage. Mine's in the bedroom."
Steve: " It took me weeks to fix the seat just like I like it. Almost
as long as it took me to fix the mirrors and set my
favorite stations on the radio."
Al: " How long will it take you to fix the fire hydrant shaped hole
in the passenger's side...Oops, spoled Marcie's surprise."
Peg: " Al, did you have to tell him?"
Al: " You betcha."
Steve: " Al, I've got to thank you. This impotance scheme of yours
has given me a wife I never knew I had. Let me tell you. It
was rough faking failure. Trying to figure out why Bruce
Willis is a star really helps.
Al: " I've got a million of 'em."
Marcie: " I'm sorry if Steve's car alarm kept you up. It's his first
night away from his new Mercedes. The slightest touch and it
goes off all night."
Peg: " Does it have a brother?"
Peg: < to Marcie > " So, how did Steve's Mercedes drive?"
Al: " You drove Steve's car? What did you hit?"
Marcie: " You may be surprised but women today are race car drivers,
astronauts and pilots. We're just as good as men."
Al: " So, what did you hit?"
Marcie: " A fire hydrant."
Episode 220: Just Married... With Children
------------------------------------------
Peg: " Here's a letter from Steve's friend in Germany he plays chess
with. Let's see...I think I'll move the Queen over here where
no one else is. That's where I'd like to be."
Al: " Since you're doing your life, why don't you lay the king down
and have those 2 horses run back and forth over him?"
Bud: " Hey, mom, my clothes, they smell clean."
Kelly: " And my sweater, you can tell what color it is."
Bud: " Yea, look, you got those grass stains off the back."
< Al & Peg pretend to be Steve & Marcie>
Guy: " Mr. Rhoades, do you want to kiss your wife goodbye?"
Al: " Only if it really was goodbye."
Episode 221: Father Lode
------------------------
< Peg passing on these words of wisdom to Marcie>
Peg: " My mother once told me, 'Why feed a man once when you
can feed yourself twice.' and, if you're going to rot in
hell, your husband should burn beside you."
Peg: " Kelly, here's 5 dollars. Bud?"
Bud: " Going by the 'double for virgins' rule, $10."
Al: " Peg, have you seen my wallet?"
Peg: " What does it look like?"
Al: " Old, wrinkled, and empty. Like my life."
< Peg & the kids are sitting on the couch>
Al: " Peg, showing the kids what you do all day?"
Peg: " Why did I marry you? It couldn't have been for the money."
Al: " It must have been that old family tradition: marry a man,
ruin his dreams, and move on."
Al: " Do you know what happens if I tell Peg < about the winnings> ...
Steve, meet Peg < Al holds up vacuum> ...Peg, I won some money.
< Al holds up money and vacuum sucks it in> "
< Babe comes in shoe store>
Babe: " I was in last week. Remember me?"
Al: " Nightly...I mean, vaguely."
Babe: " I want you."
Al: " I'm married."
Babe: " Perfect, that means you're already broken in."
< Al has money>
Al: " I gotta hide this where Peg'll never find it."
< he puts it down his pants>
Al: " Nah, too much down there already...Ah, dirty laundry,
she'll never look there."
Peg: " Dad has money."
Kelly: " I noticed he wasn't studying roadmaps and fondling
his car keys like usual."
Bud: " I noticed when he shaved today and didn't pause at the
jugular."
Marcie: " What's wrong with Al? I saw him pulling out and he
didn't aim the car at me and gun it."
Steve: " I can't stand the way Marcie looks at me with trust."
Al: " Most people confuse that look with the 'keep the checks
coming or you're outta here' look."
Al: " Why don't you come down here?"
Peg: " I wanna cuddle. We haven't done that in a long time."
Al: " Let's do something I wanna do."
Peg: " I don't wanna dig in my ear and look like an idiot."
Episode 222: All In The Family
------------------------------
< Al went over to the Rhodes 'cos Peg's family is staying over>
Marcy: " Al, do you know the difference between Steves mother and
a bowling ball?"
Al: " No, what?"
Marcy: " A bowling ball has no beard."
< about Peg's family>
Peg: " You can't leave during a family crisis."
Al: " This is no family. This is a lab experiment."
Peg: " We have to talk."
Al: " I'm broke and I'm blind. What do we ave to talk about?"
Peg: " You haven't been very kind to them < her family > "
Al: " Neither has nature, go talk to it."
Al: " You may wonder why my house is tilting. Peg's family is in
town. 6 of 'em, 12 if you count her mother."
Bud: " Kelly has some indoor / outdoor records of her own. In
fact, she's so good she's about to turn pro."
Kelly: " And think, Bud will never be bald. He'll always have the
hair on the palm of his hands."
Al: < to Peg's family> " Go home!"
Peg: " A good start, Al, but show them that you care!"
Al: " Ok, go home and drive carefully!"
Episode 301: A Period Piece
---------------------------
Steve: " They < the animals> want our women.
Al: " Well, then our women they shall have!
< Girls are having their periods. Marcie yells at Steve>
Al: " Be thankful, yours just kills, it's quick and easy. Mine, like
the black widow, likes to mate first."
Peg: " Men, the one thing they're good for, they're not good at."
Al: " You ignore the kids. You neglect the house. Yet you find time
to let the food get cold before you serve it. Peg, how do you
do it?"
Peg: " I just care more about me than you and the kids."
Al: < to Peg> "Times like this make me wanna take you upstairs and
plug that hole in the roof."
Al: " This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids & I'll see you
in a week."
Peg: " You promised to do all the jobs that you never did, like
consumate marriage...nah, that's more of a do-it-yourself
job."
< doorbell rings, Steve's at door>
Al: " Oh, Geez, it must be my lucky day."
Steve: " What's they do? Raise the minimum wage?"
Al: < to Kelly> "If you throw down the fishing rods, they break. If
they break, daddy can't go fishing. If daddy can't go fishing,
he's stuck with mommy. And if he's stuck with mommy, no one
gets outta here alive."
Peg: " It's Kelly's time of the month."
Al: " Why'd we bring her then?"
Bud: " Squeek through another month, eh, Kel?"
Al: " Do you know why they have their periods? They know we're gonna
have fun. Before men, women didn't have periods."
Al: " Something big came out of the woods crashing through the brush.
I thought it was you, Peg, but it didn't want my wallet."
Steve: " They < animals> can sense when women are..."
Al: " Killing their husbands?"
Al: " We have the cast of Bambi out there and in here we have some
of the 7 dwarfs: Puffy, Crabby, and Horny.
Marcie: " I know. Let's go on a nature hike. We can look at all the
flowers and take pictures of the wildlife."
Al: " Then we'll all get naked and sing 'This Land is Your Land.'"
Marcie: " The air smells great."
Peg: " Get used to it now. Once Al settles in, the shoes come off."
Al: " Bud, go say something nice to your sister."
Bud: " But I don't even like her."
Al: " Who does? Just go."
Episode 302: He Thought He Could
--------------------------------
< Al shows his trophies>
Al: " Pop Warner MVP < big trophy> , Little League MVP < big> . I was just
a bit younger than Bud. Then I met Peg. Co-ed Softball
participant < little> , Rookie-of-the-year Shoe Salesman 1965
< little> . Notice how they're getting smaller."
Peg: " Everything about him is."
Al: " Yea, and you weren't the cause for that either."
Fat Librarian: " Could it be that you don't have the money. Could it be
that you're a failure like I always knew you'd be."
Al: " Could it be that the nails that hold you chair
together are from the planet Krypton."
Fat Librarian: " You've become the Freddie Krueger of the library
system."
Al: " Does 'suey' mean anything to you?"
Fat Librarian: " I could've retired 15 years ago. Do you know why I
stayed?"
Al: " You learned to eat library books."
Episode 303: I'm Going To Sweatland
-----------------------------------
Peg: " I saw Elvis."
Al: " There's only one dead guy in this mall and you're looking
at him."
Fat Lady: " Your ad said 'Shoes to fit every foot.'"
Al: " What we have here is not what Webster defines as feet.
Face it, we have rib roasts with nails."
Al: " As I was vacuuming my shirt this morning, I said to myself,'
Hey, I got a wife. I have to. Why else wouldn't I care?'"
< The Bundy house turns into an Elvis shrine>
Al: " Go to your room."
Kelly: " I can't. It's our 'Heartbreak Hotel.'"
Peg: " Here it is, my time in the sun and you're < Al> a total
eclipse."
Steve: " I'm suing you. My wife won't leave your house."
Al: " Neither will mine but they threw my case out of court."
Steve: " You know what we say at the bank,'When opportunity knocks,
that's us foreclosing.'"
Marcie: " Elvis was a sex symbol. With men today being the way
they are, it's no wonder we look towards the dead for
excitement."
< Peg folds Al's shirts>
Marcie: " Look at the stain! It's the King!"
Peg: " It's a good one but not one of Al's best."
Marcie: " No, look at it. Al sweated Elvis."
Al: " Now that Elvis is in our presence, let's do something he
liked to do to honor him: let's eat....No, I'll do something
Al Bundy likes to do < he grab's paper and heads towards
bathroom> ...Oh, I'll let you know if I conjure up any
superstars."
< Marcie check Al's arm pits>
Al: " Peg, just like I said on our honeymoon,'What's going on
here?'"
Al: " Why is it that Elvis is dead but I'm in hell?"
Steve: " Why do women see Elvis? At least men see something
useful like UFO's."
Al: " Men see UFO's because they have to. It's our way
out. It's the only thing that keeps me going. Hopefully
it will be on garbage day. A beautiful Martian babe with
3 hooters will come out. She'll say,'I can't speak. I
have no parents and I don't know what good sex is.'"
Steve: " What's the third hooter for?"
Al: " It's on the back for dancing."
Peg: " Al, you sweat Elvis."
Al: " If Elvis was married to you, he'd sweat me."
Episode 304: Poke High
----------------------
In this episode, you find out that the Bundy's phone number is 555-2878.
Peg: " Now you can do your chores."
Al: " Wait a minute, Peg. We had sex 3 nights ago."
Peg: " The garbage, Al. The longer of the two jobs."
Al: " And the more rewarding."
< Al picks up garbage bag & it breaks>
Peg: " Way to go, Al."
Al: " Thanks, Peg. Now it's exactly like sex."
Kelly: " Once I can't get a man, I'm nothing."
Bud: " No, once your lips stop saying 'yes' and your eyes stop
saying 'duh,' you're nothing."
Kelly: " If it was as easy for me as Bud: A Penthouse, a nightlight,
and a pillow named Shirley."
< Bud tutors football player>
Bud: " Now that we've conquered literature, let's move on to
spelling. First word...< Kelly comes downstairs> ...'tramp.'"
Guy: " I play fullback."
Al: " Back in my days, we went both ways."
Guy: " Alot of the guys today go both ways but not me, I like girls."
Bud: " Give it up, Kel. You're not his type."
Kelly: " I'm everybody's type."
< Kelly is a cheerleader>
Peg: " Look at Kelly. I'm so proud of her. She's kicking her legs
higher than anyone else."
Marcie: " But the others are standing up."
< Other school goes for the win>
Al: < praying> " Please give me this one. I haven't asked for much...
< Al looks at Peg> ...and you haven't given me much."
Kelly: " Hey, no-life. I need you to help me get this guy."
Bud: " What's wrong? The break-away blouse not working."
Kelly: " Remember me. We met in the boys shower yesterday."
Guy: " Yes, you're the 'soup girl.'"
Kelly: " No. 'Soap.' S-O-P-E."
Episode 305: A Dump Of My Own
-----------------------------
Al: " We are americans. We have the right to use the best toilet-
system in the world."
Peg: < to Kelly> "Marry your own wallet!"
Al: " We all have to live with our disappointments...I have to
sleep with mine."
< Peg looks down>
Peg: " Is that it's new name?"
Al: " You < Steve> know what it's like to share a bathroom with
a woman, in my case, Peg. A woman ruins a bathroom: Nylons
hanging from the shower, a tube of Nair where the toothpaste
should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around...What are they
doing in there? Making a salad?"
< Al comes out of bathroom>
Peg: " How was it, Al? Was it everything you dreamed?
Al: " I don't know.I'm constipated. I wonder if Dad had this problem?"
Peg: " Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?"
Al: " Na, I need something stronger."
< Al turns on TV: "Tonight on ABC, Rosanne,Moonlighting and Thirty
Something." He then picks up the newspaper and heads to the bathroom>
Peg: " I've got an egg and some M&M's. Does anyone want breakfast?"
Al: " I'm still trying to digest the chicken from last night. Peg,
why did you buy a chicken with 3 legs?"
Peg: " The one with 3 drumsticks was 7 cents a pound while the one
with 2 cost $1.19 a pound. Sorry for thinking about our
wallet before our health."
Al: " Didn't you think there was something wrong when the label said
'Chernobyl Farms'? How many chickens have flippers?"
Peg: " Did you like it, Bud?"
Bud: " Well, it was hard because every time I ate a piece, it would
grow back."
Peg: " I have talents, you know."
Al: " In the real world, they don't give out awards for the longest
period by a sophomore."
Al: " When I was growing up I had 2 dreams. One was being an
astronaut and landing on the planet Jane Mansfield and the other
was having my own bathroom. Then I crash landed on a much
darker planet."
Peg: " How was school today?"
Kelly: " Reading, writing, false alarm, principal's office. The usual."
Marcie: " How long will it take Al to finish the bathroom."
Peg: " The book says a child can do it on 2 to 3 weeks so...6 to 8
months."
Peg: " What does that toilet have that I don't?"
Al: " A job."
Al: " When people see you have a Ferguson, they think you have money."
Peg: " And when they see you have a husband, they think you have sex."
Bud: " I have to go stud myself up for school."
Kelly: " So you'll be needing your smoking jacket and matching blue
pampers."
< Al's going to the bathroom>
Bud: " Dad, you'll need your boots...It's rising like the mighty
Mississippi in there. From what I can tell, either you or
mom tried to flush Kelly's report card odown the toilet...
Oops, did I let the F's out of the bag?"
Al: " Why did we have to buy a house with only 1 bathroom?"
Peg: " All the houses in our price range were on fire except for the
little one with no kitchen I liked."
Al: " In my medicine cabinet, I'm just gonna have guy's stuff:
Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a razor."
Steve: " Why do you need a razor when you don't have a sink?"
Al: " It's not for shaving, it's for piece of mind."
Kelly: " When's dad gonna turn the power on? I wanna play some
records."
Bud: " Come on, Kel. You don't need records. You know all the
words. Just chant 'Oh Satan. Yeah, Satan. Satan, I'm
your squeeze.'"
Kelly: " Mom, is this really our life?"
Peg: " I think you're old enough to know the truth. Yes, it is."
Episode 306: Her Cups Runneth Over
----------------------------------
Peg: " Al, am I still attractive?"
Al: " You're still the same knee in the groin you've always been."
Al: < to Peg> " You look like you did when I first met you. Only
this time I'm not stinking drunk."
Marcie: " What would men do if they had breasts?"
Al: " We wouldn't need women any more"
Peg: " If you had what other men had, I wouldn't need
batteries any more."
Al: " That's what happened to my DieHard."
< Al & Steve are shopping for bras. Saleslady thinks their gay>
Steve: " We're married to women."
Al: " If I was gay, I'd think I could do better then you."
Steve: " What does that mean?"
Al: " You just don't turn me on"
< A lady in store asks Al if her bra and panties look nice>
Lady: " Are you straight?"
Al: " The hairs on my chest are."
Lady: " Do you think my boyfriend will
like this?"
< Al shakes his head yes>
Lady: " Or will he like it better without the bra?
< She takes off the bra. Al gets the amazed look on his face
and passes out>
< Al & Steve seen awesome babe>
Al: " I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it."
Lady: " What's her < Peg > cup size?"
< Al stares at her chest>
Lady: " Sir?"
Al: " Sorry, I was sweating into my eyes."
< Well built lady walks past Al>
Al: " Let's see the Japanese build a better one of them."
Peg: " I feel lower than I did on my honeymoon when I realized
that Al wasn't holding back."
< Al, Peg, Marcy, and Steve are eating dinner>
Peg: " Why do women need bras, anyway?"
Al: " To keep your breasts from falling into your plate when you
eat."
Peg: " I want something new."
Al: " Peg, I only know how to do it one way."
Peg: " Maybe one day you'll get it right."
Al: " Kids, why didn't you tell me it was mom's birthday. I
wouldn't have come home."
Al: < to Steve > " I gotta get peg a presant. If I don't something bad
might happen. She might want affection and we both know affection
is only a hammer's throw away from sex."
< Marcie makes Peg a bra>
Marcie: " This one will hold you over until you get a new one."
Peg: " That's what mother said about Al."
< Cop is at door>
Peg: " I'm sorry. Kelly's not here."
Episode 307: The Bald And The Beautiful
---------------------------------------
Kelly: " Mom, you don't mind when I'm playing with Bud, do you?"
Peg: " No, that's why we had'em."
Steve: " Look at my head. Do you see something?
Al: " My reflection"
Steve: " You're losing your hair, too"
Al: " You've seen my wife, my house, my kids. It's a
miracle my hands haven't fallen off."
Steve: " If we lose all our hair, our wives won't love us
anymore."
Al: " There you go."
Marcie: " I'm worried about Steve. Last night we had sex and he
wore a sombrero."
Peg: " The ribbed kind?"
Steve: " Where there's pain, there's life. You should know that, Al"
Peg: " You were great, Al."
Al: " Leave me alone."
Peg: " Oh, come on, Al. I really, really believe is you practiced
once in a while, you could actually get good at sex. And
honey, you don't have to hit your head."
Al: " It's the one part that I enjoy, Peg. It keeps my mind off
of what the rest of my body is going through."
Peg: " Well, take it from me. It's not going through much.
Al: " Why did I ever agree to this Tuesday night sex?"
< Al turns on TV>
TV Voice: "And that's it for Monday Night Football."
< Al gives Peg a dirty look>
Al: " It isn't Tuesday night, Peg. You've done a bad thing and
must be punished."
Peg: " I just wanted it to be closer to your shower night."
< 2 babes come into shoe store>
Al: " You're not fat and don't have an attitude so you can't be
looking for me. But how can I help you anyway?"
< Al comes into B.A.D. meeting wearing a blindfold>
Al: " I don't like this. It's like the day I got married."
Bud: " Look around. If hair got you all this, Dad, let it go."
Kelly: " I'll lend you one of my dresses."
Bud: " Yea, how about the one that says 'Put Em Here, Boys.'"
Bald Guy: " ...Next time a hairy child comes up and says 'Hey, can I
rub your head for luck' tell him ' That's not what your
mother rubbed.'"
Episode 308: Requiem For A Dead Barber
--------------------------------------
Bud : " Mom, I know that Kelly is daddy's daughter, but me,
I was just a one-night stand with some cool guy right?"
Kelly : " I heard that! I'm not daddy's either!"
Peg : " Children, children! You're both daddy's kids..."
< Bud & Kelly hang their heads>
Peg: " Face it, your barber's dead."
Al: " Why did it have to be him, who meant so much to so many? Why
couldn't it have been someone nobody would have missed: a
wretch of a human being? Why couldn't it've been your mother?"
Al: " Why am I thinking they buried the wrong guy?"
Peg: " Cheer up. Your day will come."
Steve: " Why don't you go to my barber?"
Al: " Thanks, Steve. But I still care how I look."
Peg: < to Bud> " Like my mother said when I married your father:'If you
can't feel it, fake it.'"
Al: " Yeah...and if you don't care anymore, marry it."
Al: " Who am I going to get my hair cut?"
Marcie: " Why don't you jsut do what you do with your lawn: park your
car on it and let it die."
Al: " Thanks, Marcie, but much like the hair on your legs, it needs
a trained professional."
Steve: " Look, Al, why don't you go to my barber?"
Al: " Thanks, Steve. But I still care how I look."
Peg: " Al, you're making a big thing out of nothing. Usually, you're a